Dateline July 9, 2014
The headlines are ringing from the bell towers of our American news sources about a coming wave of terrorists training in Syria, soon to return to the west. Once back home they will rain down terror on us utilizing their newly acquired skills. Apparently we are not capable of stopping this carnage since – gee whiz- they have western passports.
The dialog goes something like this. A young idealistic budding Jihadist (I’ll call him Mo), from any-town USA just can’t seem to get his plans for local mayhem off the drawing boards, no matter how hard he scours the internet. So this bomb maker in training grabs his passport and jumps on the next plane to Syria.
After a downing a few rum and cokes while watching soft core porn on his laptop (one last indulgence), the plane touches down at Aleppo International Airport where a representative from Mo’s new email buddies at ISIS is waiting for him with a cardboard sign. The sign reads “MO – Taxi to Jihad central.” The ride to the training base is long enough for Mo to read through the ideologue pamphlets in the back seat pockets of the taxi which explain why blowing up a train station full of people fulfills GOD’s plan for humans.
Once at the training camp Mo is greeted warmly by an older father figure (I’ll call him Bad-Daddy), who assures Mo that he has made the right decision to join the fight against GOD’s enemies. Bad-Daddy continues to explain how if Mo really wants a ticket straight to GOD’s right hand, he should martyr himself with an explosive vest. When Mo asks Bad-Daddy why he hasn’t chosen such a path for himself, Bad-Daddy scowls and admonishes Mo not to question GOD’s ways.
Mo is passed off to the terrorist’s boot camp drill sergeants where over the next few weeks he is taught to keep his headscarf looking Oh-so GQ, and how to prop up his Ak-47 against the wall just so when making his recruitment videos. Since Mo’s fight for Jihad will be short and consists only of strapping on a vest and pushing a button, his military training is somewhat truncated. No calisthenics. Mo’s ideology training is more involved.
Mo needs to learn the correct Jihadist order of the universe. Step 1. Never forget to yell Allāhu Akbar (God is Great), with great reverence when stabbing heathen Shiite babies in the face. Forgetting to credit GOD when killing babies is a sin. Never miss an opportunity to stop children from attending school by any means necessary, especially girls. Oh my, girls attending school would just ruin everything. Yes Mo, girls are better off raped, beaten and even killed than attending school.
The only memorizing Mo needs to do at camp is to learn the pecking order in human religions. Sunni – only ones to have it right, everyone else – less than human.
With his training deeply ingrained, Mo is ready to follow his new Jihadist brothers and spread the good word at home. With his new multi-pocketed vest packed in his carry-on, Mo is dropped off at the airport. When the gate officer asks about the vest, Mo cheerily shows off his new “fly fishing vest” to the attendant and with his US passport firmly in hand, he is free to fly the friendly skies.
Gee – whatever can we do to stop this new revolving door? If you listen to the papers it will be impossible to stop the flood of the young men like Mo now sitting in Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, or London from following this path to instant martyrdom. Wait a minute – I just had a thought. What if we were to cancel the passports of every person that wasn’t military or had a provable valid reason for going to Syria or Iraq? What if we made trips to the ISIS hot spots a one way excursion so we don’t have to worry about them coming back radicalized?
Oh silly me, I forgot. That would impinge on Mo’s civil rights. Someone call the ACLU?